


Blood-Stained Shoe

by Dassy1407



Category: One Direction
Genre: M/M, trigger warning: suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-25 04:12:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/634979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dassy1407/pseuds/Dassy1407
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis wasn't sure how he got there, but he was now spilling his darkest secrets to a mysterious woman, beginning when Liam confided in him and Louis broke the boy’s heart in return.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blood-Stained Shoe

“He may have been Daddy Direction, but I was the oldest. It was my responsibility to watch out for the boys, but I failed him. I failed Liam,” Louis began his story. The past months were blurry for him since the accident. Everything seemed to move in slow motion, but yet here he was, sitting in front of a beautiful woman. She was tall, thin, and brunette. She wore classy glasses and held a clipboard in her hands. She had asked him to explain his story from the beginning.

 

He instantly knew she wasn’t interested in his time on X-Factor, or the boring stories of the tours with the boys. She was interested in when things got complicated between the boys; mainly between him and Liam.

“He confided in me, and I reacted badly,” Louis said, removing his gaze from the woman and staring at his shoes. “He told me he was gay….a-and, I flipped,” he said and tears rolled down his cheeks. “I told him that if he came out, he would ruin the bands reputation completely,” he said and began to cry. “B-but he was tired of hiding it, and wanted to come out,” he sobbed and felt he could no longer continue.

The woman tapped her pen against the clipboard, observing the trembling boy in front of her. “But he never came out, did he?”

Louis shook his head. “I-I wouldn’t let him,” he sniffled, forcing himself to control his emotions. “I told him if he came out, I would convince Simon to kick him out of the band,” he explained quietly.

“Why would you do that, Louis? Wasn’t Liam your friend?”

Louis looked up sharply at the woman. “He was more than my friend,” he said harshly. “He was my best mate, but he didn’t understand the way this business worked, like I did,” he said. “Coming out wouldn’t have just ruined the band, it would have ruined his life,” he explained.

“And how do you know that for sure, Louis?”

“Because I already tried,” Louis said, staring at the girl with an intense gaze. He didn’t know this woman, he didn’t even really trust her, but he didn’t care. She appeared to be a therapist, which would explain the very tidy room, and the clip board, even though he didn’t remember ever agreeing to see one. Hell, she could have been a reporter for all he knew and he was about to tell her his darkest secret.

“Because just like Liam, I’m gay,” Louis continued. “I came out to Paul, and then Simon, wanting to come out to the boys and the public, but they told me if I did, they’d kick me out. That’s how I knew it would have ended badly for Liam if he tried,” he said and sniffed loudly, breaking eye contact with the woman.

 

“Did you tell Liam this?”

Louis shook his head, ashamed.

“Why not?”

“Because I was scared,” Louis whispered. “I hadn’t told anyone except Simon and Paul because they swore to me that it would only leave me in despair.”

“But Liam trusted you with his deepest secret. Didn’t you feel that he deserved the same in return from you?”

“I believe that now, but at the time I was so scared,” Louis defended himself, and tears rolled down his cheeks. “I regret never telling him that I was gay too. I regret never telling him that I….. that I….” Sobs overcame him and he couldn’t finish what he wanted to say.

Instead, he continued with the story. “I knew he was mad at me about what I told him, but I had to suck it up. He barely talked to me, but that was okay. The public would only notice if me and Harry weren’t speaking, but any of the other bromances weren’t as popular so it went unnoticed.”

“Did the other boys notice?”

Louis nodded. “Yes, but when they asked me about it, I just said Liam was throwing a hissy-fit over something stupid, and that it would pass,” he said, his expression filled with guilt.

“But it didn’t pass, did it?”

Louis bit down on his lip until he tasted blood. “No. No, it didn’t,” he said. He sat back against the couch and looked around. There was barely anything in the room. There was the couch he was sitting on, a matching chair for the woman to sit on, and a plain wooden door that Louis assumed led to the waiting room of therapists office.

“It got worse, didn’t it?” The woman pressed on.

Louis narrowed his eyes at her. “Yes. Liam stopped talking to everyone all together. He stopped going out to dinner with us, and then the only times we ever saw him was at practice and concerts,” he explained bitterly.

“Did the other boys wonder what was going on?”

“Of course they did. But Liam wouldn’t talk to any of them; they all tried to get him to open up, but Liam wouldn’t,” Louis said.

“But he would have opened up to you, if you tried,” The woman said.

Louis’ jaw clenched. “Yes, but I didn’t try,” he said, putting his face in his hands.

“Why not?”

Louis didn’t respond, he just tried to disappear in his hands. He didn’t know exactly why he didn’t talk to Liam after he closed himself up. He knew that since Liam opened up to him once, he would have done so again. But Louis was being selfish, knowing what Liam was going through, having been going through the same exact things.

“Do you feel what happened to Liam was your fault, Louis?”

Louis’ head shot up. “What kind of question is that? Of course I do!” he snapped angrily.

The woman was unchanged by Louis’ change of attitude. “Please continue with the story,” she said.

Louis unclenched his fists and settled against the couch again. “So Liam stopped coming to hang out with us outside of band stuff,” he said, taking a deep breath before saying the next thing. “But then one day he didn’t show up to practice,” he said. “He wouldn’t answer his cell, or the hotel phone, so we decided we should all go find him.” he explained, staring at his shoes again. He could still see the blood stains on the edge of the shoe.

“And you found him?”

Louis nodded. “He was slumped against the bathroom tub in a pool of his own blood,” he said in a surprisingly calm tone.

“He had slit his wrists,” The woman determined with a nod.

Louis felt a snarl on his lips. “I’ve seen the scars before. He had been cutting for a while,” he explained.

“But you said nothing,” the woman said accusingly.

Louis felt sick and he wiped the sweet from his brow. “Right. I said nothing, I did nothing. And now Liam is dead,” he said, his hands beginning to tremble. “I don’t know if making me feel guilty is a great therapeutic technique,” he said, looking up at her again.

The woman smiled softly. “I’m not a therapist, Louis. Please, go on. What happened next?”

Louis glared at the woman, even more confused. But he still continued. “The band fell apart after Liam died.” he said. “I don’t remember much,” he admitted. “I just remember Harry yelling a lot. Niall cried a lot, and I don’t even remember seeing Zayn after the funeral,” he said.

“And what did you do, Louis?”

Louis took a few moments to respond. “I don’t really remember. It’s all a blur. I don’t even know where I’m at now. But I don’t care. Liam’s gone, so none of it matters now,” he said, his shoulders slumping.

“Your mind blocked most of the past months out, Louis, that is true, but you still remember one night,” The woman said, adjusting his pin-straight skirt at her thighs, her legs crossing.

Louis was unnerved at how collected this woman seemed to be about his story, as if she’s heard it a million times before, and knew what was going to happen. “You’re right,” he said and frowned, slowly remembering.

“There was one night in particular that your mind didn’t allow you to stay numb,” she said.

Louis was confused, but slowly he began to remember. “I was going through Liam’s things,” he explained. “They had separated his things between me and the other boys. I got most of his things from his room back in Wolverhampton,” he said, staring at nothing as he remembered. “Then I found something…” he said, squinting his eyes.

“A note,” the woman said, a hint of a smile tracing her lips.

Louis didn’t notice the smile, but his eyes widened. “Yes, a note. I found a note,” he said. “It was written during one of our trips home, only a few weeks before he came out to me,” he explained. “The note was addressed to me, a-and it said…” he was breathing heavily now as he remembering the note clearly as if it were yesterday.

Dear Louis,

I know life in the band is stressful sometimes. I know this because everyone comes to me for the level headed support. I don’t mind being Daddy Direction, and listening to everyone vent, I really don’t, but what do I do when I’m stressed? I come to you. You’re my best mate and I know I can trust you with anything. You may act like the immature one in the group, but you’re the most protective one of us all and I know you would do anything for me. I just long for the day I can officially tell you how I feel. I love you Louis Tomlinson. More than band mates, more that best mates, more than anything in the world, I am in love with you. I’ve known I was gay for a long time, but going through everything with the X-Factor and One Direction, I thought it best to keep it hidden. But my feelings towards you are too strong and I can’t handle it anymore. I don’t know if I’ll give you this letter and let you decide on how to react, or just tell you in person. I’m afraid of how you’ll react. I can understand if you don’t feel the same about me, it’s understandable, but either way, I can’t live without you in my life. So don’t hate me for this, please?

I love you- Liam Payne.

“That note meant a lot to you, didn’t it, Louis?”

“More than you know. I’ve only wished he would have given it to me on the day he came out, and things would have ended differently,” he said.

“How so?”

“If I’ve known how he felt about me, I wouldn’t have reacted like I did. I honestly would have said ‘Screw You Simon, I love Liam!’ during a live interview,” he said and laughed sadly.

When Louis had initially come out to Paul, he had been so excited to come out. He was scared too, of course, but he was anxious to finally come out to his band mates. He was going to finally tell Liam how he felt about him. But when Simon had shot down his dreams of ever coming out, he was forced to push his feelings for his fellow band mate away.

“But he never told me, and I treated him terribly. Just knowing he was gay, and that he possibly had feelings for another guy, made me so jealous,” Louis said, tears blurring his vision once again. “He probably thought I hated him when he died,” he cried.

“You don’t know that,” the woman said. “But please, go on. What happened after you read the note?”

Louis struggled to remember. “I, uh, cried, a lot,” he said. “Then….” he paused. “I found sleeping pills,” he said. “And took them,” he said and stared at the girl. “Is that why I’m here? Because I took them? I tried to kill myself and someone found me, didn’t they?” he began to hyperventilate. “Harry found me, didn’t he? Or Zayn? They found me and brought me here. What is this? A mental hospital for the suicidal?” Louis yelled and stood up. “I knew what I was doing when I took those pills! I didn’t want to just die, I just wanted to be with him!” he yelled at the woman, but she just looked up at him, her face expressionless. “Why did they have to find me before the pills could work!” he yelled.

“Louis, no one found you!” The voice did not belong to this woman, who was staring blankly up at him.

“What?!” Louis snapped and turned, but froze in his tracks. In the now open door way stood the last person he had been expecting, but the only person he was ever wanting to see.

Liam stood in the door way, a bright white light shining in behind him. “No one found you, Louis, after you took the pills,” he said.

Louis’ mouth fell open slightly as he stared at the younger boy. “L-Liam?” he stuttered over the simple name. “You look so beautiful,” was all he could say.

The scars were gone from Liam’s perfect skin. Even though he was clothed in same clothing he wore on the night he died, the cloth was absent of the blood.

Louis glanced down and saw the blood stain on his shoe was gone. Then he looked back up at Liam. “No one found me?” he asked and a smile spread a cross his lips.

Liam shook his head sadly. “No. Harry found you the next morning, but it was already too late,” he said.

Louis looked relieved, but tears continued to stream down his face, seeing Liam so distraught. He hadn’t even noticed that they were now alone. “Liam? Where are we?”

Liam stepped up to the older boy. “It doesn’t matter,” he said and took Louis’ hand into his. “You shouldn’t have taken those pills, Louis,” he said.

“Well you shouldn’t have taken that blade to your wrist, Liam,” Louis retorted.

Liam sighed sadly. “I know, I’m sorry,” he said and squeezed his hand. “I want to be mad at you for what you’ve done to yourself, but I can’t,” he said and smiled sadly.

Louis smiled and wiped his eyes, which were now crying out tears of happiness. “I’m with you now, and that’s all that matters,” he said.

Liam pulled Louis to him, and kissed him deeply before hugging him and burying his face in his neck. “I love you Louis,” he whispered.

Louis hugged the younger boy tightly, never wanting to let him go ever again. “I love you too, Liam. I always have, and I always will,” he promised. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, but he didn’t care, just as he didn’t care when he took those pills. He wanted to be with Liam, and now he was, and that was all that mattered.


End file.
